i've been dying to reach you

There are so many things that I meant to tell you, but I never got the chance. Maybe I need to be more assertive about my feelings. Maybe I need to care less. Who knows. All I know, is here goes nothing. I mean, what is there to lose? I doubt you'll read this, but it's going to be here because of two things; a)I had planned these words last night while taking a bath, and b)they need to be said, because I'm so close to breaking down.

I'll start with the easy things. I love your family. I love the baby, saying cute things like wanting to make things for the fish and singing songs and saying hello. I love your mom and how much she wants me to go to college and stay with you. If we're still friends in two years' time, I think I just might live close to you and visit with you guys a lot. I want to be a part of a happy family, even if your family is big and crazy and all over the place.

This all started with words. You called me up asking me the name of a book-- the realm of possibility. You wanted me to tell you my favorite quotes, but I didn't tell you my favorite one. It was mine and it made me think of you, but I didn't want to tell it to you in fear that you would get upset and see through me. So here goes: "I want you to be happy, and you could be with me". It's from a song the lesbian girl wrote about that girl she likes. It reminds me of you so much and how I feel.

I am in a mood, though. One of those where I get really pressing about this and then you get upset because you want to make it all right but you can't and that hurts you. In reality, I'm no better than the others. They make you upset because of different things and they pull you away from other things. What am I trying to do? Pulling you away from people you love even if nobody understands why. I don't. I don't get it, but I know that I have to get over it because it's not my choice. I know you didn't call me that day months ago to make our lives hell, but because you genuinely wanted to get to know me again. I wish you could. I wish it could be you and me. I wish that you could be my purpose, and I could be yours.

Just remember this: You say you feel like you had nobody else. You could have me. Even if we're just friends, I promise I will be here. I want to help take the kids to Sea World. I want to help with your homework. I want to cuddle with you and the baby and sing Hey, Soul Sister with him. I want to eat at all of the food places you eat at that aren't over here. I want my own fish tank. I want you.