which way is up and how do we love?

Today's technical yesterday, I made some life-changing choices. I was also asked life-changing questions.

A girl was fascinated with my sexuality. I amused her by answering all of her ridiculous questions. She might as well have asked if my blood is red or rainbow, if I sleep, and whether or not I speak English. She made me realise something-- people still don't seem to get the world is much more than sex and love and relationships and hooking up. It's also about hatred, betrayal, confusion, trust, entent, chance, luck, fate, and so many other factors. Which leads me to my view on the path of love and emotions.

I believe in soulmates. I really thought I had found mine. Maybe I did, and I have lost her. I've also found a friend, though, and trust. In myself. I am happy I finally made a big decision. I am sixteen, and I need to start learning how to make big decisions, like when to study and where to go to school and what to do and why and who and just every miniscule detail. Because that's the way All-American teenagers do. Have we forgotten about fun?

It is spring break now. In ten weeks, and a few days, I will be doen with my sophomore year of high school. This year was a year of many firsts. First extreme heartbreaks. First car ride with boys and no adults. First year at a school in a town I've never been to before. First year at the new house. First year trying to adjust to not knowing every single detail about where I am. First time trying to get over the same person so many times and eventually finding my way back. History does repeat thyself.

Looking back, a year ago I had just found out that I was going to be moving a few months prior. A year ago I was going along with a lie of love and lust. A year ago I broke the same heart that I broke this year. A year ago I hated myself so much and wished I could just go away. This year, I look back on last year and thank my God that I am allowed to have such intense moments. I know that one day I will look back and regret not being able to remember the fine details. However, I will be glad that I know exactly how I felt. Even if sometimes my emotions are so strong that they get in the way.

Really, I sometimes hate myself. Sometimes I love myself. Others, I realise that I just barely know who I really am.